No Ballarinas

As I was driving home tonight from work I had a thought that both saddened and angered me; I will never have a ballarina because I do not have any daughters. I have long known (well for the last 2 years) that I would not have daughters and thought I had accepted it and embraced it. Just this weekend while at the K-State homecoming football game I was thanking God for my sons, knowing I'd never have any child of mine wearing skimpy cheerleading or dance team outfits!!! But tonight I was saddened that I would never take a daughter to dance class. I have so many memories of going to dance class, changing into my dance clothes in the car, ice cream after the recitals, the cute costumes, and well the memories are endless because dance was part of my life from Kindergarten to 7th grade when I decided to give it up to play or rather warm the bench for the Jr. High Volleyball team. After my initial sadness I was quite angry at myself for feeling sad about not having a daughter, and I'm still a bit angry at myself. Whenever anyone asks me if I wish I had girls I always say and genuinly mean "No, I'll have my daughters when my boys get married". And I still feel that way...but I wont be taking them to dance lessons I'm sure. However, I will I'm sure have my fair share of football games, wrestling matches, soccer games, track and cross country meets, and whatever else interest the boys. But I'm for certain that one of those interest will not be ballet!!! And thats okay because as I will miss out on that girly stuff that I would experience with a daughter I'm excited about all the new memories in the making of being a mom to 2 sons having no brothers it is exciting and a little anxiety provoking at the same time to see what experiences are to come with our two sons. We've already had so many precious memories made even if they are no ballarina memories. But still I wonder if anyone else with only sons or only daughters for that matter ever have these feelings of sadness of not having the other gender for a child. Please understand I would not trade in my sons for the most perfect little girl ballarina, because I think my little tackle monsters are pretty awesome! And feel blessed beyond measure still curious if anyone else have similar feelings like these or am I a bad mom!

Friendships

I'm writing tonight just to document and journal my thoughts thats what blogs are for right?? Anyways, this evening I had a wonderful time chatting with a old high school classmate for a few minutes, and reconnecting with a childhood church friend after dinner. It really got me thinking about my experiences with friends throughout my life. Ever since I was a very small child I always felt like I was on the outside of my peer group....this coninued on through Jr. High, High School and even college. You know I had friends but I always viewed all the rest of the group of friends closer to one another than I was to any of them, and I think for the most part my interpretation was probably correct. I can remember in grade school being isolated from my group of friends because they thought I was "too preppy" and sitting and just crying on my moms lap saying "why doesn't anyone want to be my friend?" these feelings continued to haunt me at times. But here recently I seem to be blessed with a ton of friends some quite new others older friends from a different lifetime ago, like my friend Pam. We have not seen each other for close to 20 years until this evening, and yea there were some awkward silences a few times, trying to catch our breaths from catching up from so much lost time, but overall our visit was wonderful, and quite amazing how even as adults childhood friends still have a lot in common and similar beliefs and interest. And I know our friendship will grow even more now that we are adults. I'm not sure what has happened over the last year or so, am I more confident, self-assured that I don't care what others think of me, are people just more friendlier now than they were before, am I choosing better friends? I'm not quite sure what it is, but I think it's a combination of just being more mature, confident, and allowing God to work in my life. I'm more happy because of that relationship with God and so people may just be drawn to fellowship with me, not sure but I'm sure thankful and feeling blessed for the wonderful friendships I have!