As I was driving home tonight from work I had a thought that both saddened and angered me; I will never have a ballarina because I do not have any daughters. I have long known (well for the last 2 years) that I would not have daughters and thought I had accepted it and embraced it. Just this weekend while at the K-State homecoming football game I was thanking God for my sons, knowing I'd never have any child of mine wearing skimpy cheerleading or dance team outfits!!! But tonight I was saddened that I would never take a daughter to dance class. I have so many memories of going to dance class, changing into my dance clothes in the car, ice cream after the recitals, the cute costumes, and well the memories are endless because dance was part of my life from Kindergarten to 7th grade when I decided to give it up to play or rather warm the bench for the Jr. High Volleyball team. After my initial sadness I was quite angry at myself for feeling sad about not having a daughter, and I'm still a bit angry at myself. Whenever anyone asks me if I wish I had girls I always say and genuinly mean "No, I'll have my daughters when my boys get married". And I still feel that way...but I wont be taking them to dance lessons I'm sure. However, I will I'm sure have my fair share of football games, wrestling matches, soccer games, track and cross country meets, and whatever else interest the boys. But I'm for certain that one of those interest will not be ballet!!! And thats okay because as I will miss out on that girly stuff that I would experience with a daughter I'm excited about all the new memories in the making of being a mom to 2 sons having no brothers it is exciting and a little anxiety provoking at the same time to see what experiences are to come with our two sons. We've already had so many precious memories made even if they are no ballarina memories. But still I wonder if anyone else with only sons or only daughters for that matter ever have these feelings of sadness of not having the other gender for a child. Please understand I would not trade in my sons for the most perfect little girl ballarina, because I think my little tackle monsters are pretty awesome! And feel blessed beyond measure still curious if anyone else have similar feelings like these or am I a bad mom!
1 comment:
Sarah...I may not be the best person to comment on this, but here goes. I understand, I really do. You can take that to the bank.
Something that I struggled with was trying to be content with what God had given me, and believing that He knows best for my family...but having the world kind of whispering in my ear "It's not enough, is it? You *still* want a daughter."
I'd go back and forth, feeling that I needed to defend my boys and their place in my family, and - yes, still feeling that longing for a little girl in my life.
What I tried to do was rest in the fact that His will was perfect, and if I truly wanted what HE wanted, then it *would* be the desire of my heart.
I know it's hard. For several years I was a part of an online group called All Boys All Girls, for mommies of one-gender families. Message me if you'd like more information. Sometimes it's nice to have people to talk to who understand the whole "all boys" thing. Love you!
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